Monday morning antics

It's Monday morning, liv is fighting monsters with a broom and Delilah is getting angry with her own lack of co ordination skills. My front room is half hoovered (I was hoovering when I felt a blog coming on) and there's a huge den in the kitchen. I have a feeling today will be filled with housework and Olivia's make believe games where I will probably have to be a Wolf or a dinosaur.
Does anyone else ever have to be a dinosaur? Liv makes me do it all the time.
Its not attractive.  Sometimes my neighbours even walk past the window when I'm mid roar, doing my best t Rex arms and kicking shit out of the front room.

I often think about how I acted around kids before I became a mum. If a baby looked me I'd feel awkward and have no idea what to say to them. So I'd find myself repeating the same sentence over and over, "Hello! Hello! Hello!" "what ya doin? What ya doin?", like an absolute nob (I can see that now).
Then you have your own kids and will do absolutely anything to make them smile.
I can now say I have gained a very particular set of skills. Some of these skills include:
- The ability to opera sing any Disney song
- t-rex impressions
- Various voices to suit any character in a kids book
- Fake hysterical laughter
- Tribal dancing to any cbeebies theme song
However,  since having a toddler I seem to have lost any skill in playing hide and seek. It takes a good couple of minutes of wondering around my tiny front room shouting "where's Olivia gone? I can't find her anywhere!" before I actually manage to find her, curled up in the middle of the rug hiding underneath a cushion.

I always find it funny how, as a mother, I cringe at the thought of being seen around town with messy hair and no make up but I don't think twice about skipping across the swimming pool car park.

I'm going to take my own advice today and join in with livs games and try and ignore my ever growing washing pile.

Happy Monday 😉

Saturday morning ballet

I have recently started taking Olivia to a ballet class in Kingsdown, a lovely little village full of expensive houses and well dressed people.
This was the image we created this morning in this beautiful little village:
The venue is a pretty little Hall, surrounded by cottages. If you looked along both ends of the road you can see little ballerinas skipping along in their pink leotards, skirts and cardigans with neat little buns, holding their mums hands who are also unusually well dressed and fresh for this time in the morning.
Our silver focus (now almost black with dirt) pulls up outside. I get out, rocking a scruffy pair of trackies and a tie dyed hoodie, and managed to bring an empty macdonalds cup with me that rolls along the floor. Biggie Smalls is blasting from the radio. I pick up the cup, look over and Olivia is stood next to the car krumping and performing her best ratchet dance. To top it of I realise I have a huge mark on the front of my hoodie. All I can do is laugh.
Sometimes these situations embarrass me. Sometimes I say 'fuck it' and get over it.  Today was a day where I complimented livs fabulous twerking skills, grabbed her hand and skipped into ballet with zero fucks to give.

Kelsey x

Liebster Award

I was nominated for the liebster award! Yay!
For those that don't know,  it's not a massive award. It's more of a positive recognition between new bloggers and a way to discover new blogs. The award is passed around and the idea is to answer random questions given to you by the person who nominated you.
Once completed,  you have to nominate more people to pass on the award!

I was nominated by bibek kafle, a creative and imaginative writer.  His blogs are completely different to mine, so I found them refreshing to flick through. Have a look!  myimaginativewritings.blogspot.co.uk
Here's my answers:

a. Why did you choose to blog?
I enjoy writing and I have a lot buzzing around in my mind! I decided to write down what what was on my mind one evening,  then 3 hours later I had a website, Facebook page and my first blog post!

b.  Do you take blogging as a profession or a passion?
Definitely a passion.  It's my little hobby to keep me sane.

c. What's you favorite food and why?
Most people may not believe this, but I'm not really a lover of food anymore. If I had to choose something I enjoy eating,  I'd probably say tea and biscuits!

d. Besides your own niche, what other topics interests you?
I love reading blogs about real life. I'm not generally interested in product reviews. I love reading about day to day life, travelling etc

e. If you had $1 million, how would you spend it?
I'd be sensible!  I'd buy a house and invest the rest.
I can't promise I wouldn't go on some kind of shopping spree though 😉

f. Let's say you're being attacked by zombie. Grab what's on your right and what's on your left. Answer whether it would be enough to save you and why?
I have a TV remote on my left and a sofa cushion on my right.  I'm pretty fucked.

g. If you get a chance to take a tour around for free, name 4 places you would visit. And why?
Buckingham palace! I had an obsession with the Queen when I was younger and I've always wondered if she has a normal part of the palace that looks like a normal, cosy house.
Despite the fact that I'm shit at history,  it still interests me. So my other three choices would be historic places. Catacombs, Ann Franks house, that kind of thing.
Also, I don't know if this counts, but I've always wanted to do a ghost tour.

h. Any life changing events ever occurred to you?
Having my two girls definitely change my whole life.

i. Dog or cat, why?
Dog. I've grown up with dogs and I'm allergic to cats.

j. Have you ever imagined you being the famous figure of the world?
Definitely not. I have no motivation to make an effort for cameras,  so I would constantly look like a drug addict in the newspapers 🙊🙊

Here's my nominations :
1: http://foundandgathered.com
2:
http//:www.facebook.com/robsshelter
3: https://www.facebook.com/Random.Losers/
4: provokeasmile.com
5: www.lauraxloves.com
6: www.CyphersDenBlog.com
7: footloosedev.com
8: https://nezaustavljiv.wordpress.com/
9: https://motivationalmahesh.wordpress.com/2016/02/24/the-reunion-2/
10: http://www.reporterontheroad.com
11: www.primeeventschatterbox.blogspot.com

My questions for my nominations :

1) Other than blogging, do you have a hobby?

2) Which would you prefer, kids or pets?

3) You're stuck on an island. You have two choices; blogging essentials or a friend. Which do you choose?

4) If you could choose an era to be born into, which would it be?

5) What are your favourite kinds of blogs to read?

6) If you could spend 1 hour with anyone in the world, from the past or present, who would it be?

7) Who is your blogging inspiration/idol, if you have one?

8) Favourite flavour milkshake?

9) Rain or Sun?

10) Where would you like to visit most in the world?

11) Aliens visit earth and you can only ask them one question.  What is it?

Answer the questions then pass on the award! 😊

So many questions...

I'm sure most of you can relate to this! Olivia likes to ask questions.  Lots of fucking questions.
Wise people tell me that my toddler can never ask enough questions and that it's good for their development.  This peice of information doesn't stop me from rolling my eyes or wanting to slam my head in the door.
Olivia likes to ask me the sort of questions that literally hurt my brain.
One particular day, when I was feeling extra delicate after a night out, Olivia asks me "mum how do shadows move?". I thought I was going to throw up right there in the car.
I guess it's a good sign that they're so desperate for knowledge. Unfortunately, I must have been ill the day my teacher taught us how cows make milk or why we don't walk backwards.  Olivia doesn't accept "I don't know" as an answer either.  She will just repeat the question until she is satisfied with the answer. So I often find myself using the distraction method,  where I quickly shout something like "oh my God, is that cinderella?!", then I run away and busy myself.
I have tried answering EVERY SINGLE QUESTION, but it just opens more questions. Every answer usually leads to "whyyyyyy?".
Motherhood should come with an encyclopedia, or access to a 24 hour phone line that's manned by geniuses. I might even write to my mp.
However,  for now, our kids are just going to have to be satisfied with made up answers or don't knows!

Kelsey x

Aiden

A few weeks ago I managed get pneumonia, so my role as a mother ceased for a few days and Aiden was left to run the house and make sure the kids stayed alive.
During this time the house completely went to shit. The hoover was neglected in the corner, the kids didn't have a single bath and the washing pile consumed the fucking landing.  Safe to say, once I got my energy back, I lost my shit.  I spent days trying to get the house back to normal and I was so stressed I was probably a bitch to live with.
The usual thoughts ran through my mind (and were often voiced, really fucking loud).
"Why the fuck am I the only person in this house that knows how to use a hoover?!  Look at this place!  Fuck sake!"

Then I think about what Aiden actually does when I'm out of action.
He will do necessary housework (wash up, put toys away, sterilise bottles) and make sure the kids are well fed. Then he will spend the rest of the day entertaining them and cuddling on the sofa watching films.
I like to think I can juggle housework and spending time with my girls, but I don't spend half as much time with them as Aiden does on his day off.
They adore their daddy and Aiden is the go-to man if you fancy a wrestle or you just generally want to terrorise someone. He has even been talked into playing with ponies and wearing pretty hair clips.
I think we could all take a leaf out of our partners book sometimes. Washing can wait, our kids can't. I honestly don't remember whether the house I spent my childhood in was messy. I do, however,  remember my mum doing a handstand in the front room and smashing the lightbulb.

One thing I can be sure about is that my husband is my fucking hero.
He's not afraid to change a shitty nappy and he's never complained about the fact that my road to motherhood made me chubby and lose my boobs.
He knows the bat signal for 'Im in such a shit mood, I'm probably going to punch someone in the throat '. That's the cue to leave me to hide under the covers, child free, for half an hour to sulk it out.

I feel like I should appreciate the things he already does and work on my stress levels, rather than working on Aiden's housework skills.
Plus, if I keep being a bitch, he might leave me. Then who will do his washing?
 Kelsey x

Morning people

Today is the kind of day where we stay at home and spend the day trying to keep each other alive and sane. When you become a parent, your sanity is something that doesn't stick around often and I'm guaranteed to lose my shit today.
It's so easy to get comfortable with a routine or habit, and up until now Delilah has been a little angel. She has been a well rested, happy baby. So we got comfortable, thinking that having two kids was a fucking breeze. Pffft.
One day I might wake up feeling refreshed and optimistic about life. That day is not today.
I admire mothers who wake up in the morning, make breakfast around the table in a tidy kitchen, fully dressed, quirky and generally fucking loving life. I want what they're having. Unicorn dust, maybe?  Some kind of drug?  Whatever it is, I'll have some.
On a day like today,  I will put the telly on, position the kids in front of it, make cereal and a bottle, then when the kids are satisfied I will curl on the sofa with a blanket and slowly die. What even is a morning person?

My sister

No matter what my kids do,  I always tell myself they will turn out just fine. Even though Olivia has an obsession with the words bum, boob and poo. Even though her wrestling skills are now verging on WWE level.

Do you know how I know this?  Because my sister, Cheyenne, was the biggest pain in the arse when we were kids and she turned out OK.
Im not talking about your usual sibling bullshit. This demon ran me over with a fucking quad!
One particular heart breaking memory I had was when I was about 8. Our family own a peice of land that we spent our childhood on climbing trees and generally rolling in the dirt. One day I came across an old lead and collar in the trees and I managed to convince myself I owned an invisible dog. This dog bought me so much happiness as I dragged it around in the dirt all day.
Cheyenne was obviously in a shitty mood because on this particular day, whilst I was completely caught off guard, she stormed up to me, grabbed my invisible dog and threw him over the fence as if she was competing for a gold fucking medal.
I was devastated.
I could go on all day telling you stories about how my sister used to smack herself and blame it on us etc etc. But the point I'm making is that she is now the nicest person you will probably ever meet. Granted, she's still cranky as fuck, but she couldn't care less.
Cheyenne is the meaning of quirky and the image of originality.
So when your demon child is beating the shit out of their siblings just think of Cheyenne. There is hope!
Kelsey x
 

The day I felt like a good mum.

How many times a day do you compare yourself to other mothers? I do it all the time.
I find myself admiring a mother who looks immaculate,  and their kids look immaculate and I think to myself that they must really have their shit together.
 I'll have the odd day here and there where I wear a really nice outfit that actually matches. Ill do my hair and make up and then walk around like a fucking boss. I might even get a cookbook out and make caviar or courgette gratin or whatever. Then after a long day I'll realise that Olivia still had a tantrum, Delilah's shit still exploded from her nappy and my husband didn't actually notice my attempt to look like Kim Kardashian.
 Im a scruff bag with zero fashion sense, who sometimes forgets to wipe chocolate spread from her childs face before she goes to nursery. I can't cook potatoes in any form and housework is not my forte.
 Just as I start to think that I'll probably never win an award for the world's best mum, this happens:

Olivia is playing sleepovers with all her toys and lion has a hard time squeezing into one of livs nighties. She then spends the next few minutes trying to make him feel better. Livs words: " aw babes are you OK? Sometimes you are chubby but its OK because we are all best friends"

That moment made me feel like a good mum.
These are the moments to look out for. The small moments that are so easy to miss, that tell you that you're doing OK. You're child is just fine, even if you haven't brushed her hair for five days and she had biscuits for breakfast.
Chin up you bloody supermum!
Kelsey x

  I'm a ranty kind of person. Always have been.

I don't know exactly why or where it comes from but my wild guess is that it's a mixture of my angry dad's genes and the constant need for acceptance from other people.

My language is foul and my parenting skills are far from Mary Poppins at times.

One positive thing I can proudly say about myself is that I've always liked to write. Whether I'm any good at it or not is something I'm yet to discover but I've always admired the honesty of the female bloggers that I follow,  especially the mothers.

Thing is, it's no secret that motherhood turns into a massive fucking competition. My newsfeed is full of perfect lives, perfect relationships,  perfect children and perfect houses. I'm no exception to this. When in reality, my daughter is no stranger to Netflix and a bag of Crisps and half the time she can't even wipe her own arse properly. 

I admire mothers who will happily post a picture of their snotty, half naked child wading through three days worth of untouched housework, even when every other fucker will only post a picture online if they've bleached their child, got the backdrop out and taught them French poetry. 

Motherhood shouldn't be a competition. It should be a journey.  Learning to embrace the things that make you cringe the most and learning to laugh off the things that would make most of your Facebook mothers faint in disgust.

I don't want to hear how Abigail learnt to recite the alphabet in sign language.  I want to hear about the kids that tell you they've got an itchy bum in the line at the bank, or the kids that call their toys a dickhead because they won't sit up properly.  Those are the kids I love.  The quirky ones.

So if you get anything from this piece of shit, thrown together blog (that I didn't even spellcheck), make it this: at least once, post a picture, story,  whatever online about your kids. But don't make it a time when they've been cute and clever. Make it a time when they've been a little twat and you want to throw them out the window, or a time when they've made you die with embarrassment. 

I'll start!

When my biggest small was 2 we went swimming. I was due on my period so I thought it would be wise to be safe. So when Olivia was rummaging through my bag I saw my opportunity to swiftly put a tampon in. Wrong move.  Mid-squat she turns around and shouts "mum why are you putting that in your bum?" *changing rooms go completely fucking quiet *

Why the fuck did I teach you to talk?! 

This is probably the only parenting advice you'll get from me, and you probably won't want to take it after you've heard some of my stories but here goes anyways. Don't sweat the small stuff. They won't remember the age you taught them the alphabet or how to tell the time. They'll be most grateful for the way you taught them to be confident, original and outspoken.

Teach them to be the person you'd love to be yourself. Teach them to survive in a world of opinionated wankers and judgmental arseholes.

Thanks for listening to me try and feel better about my parenting 😉

Stay honest!

Kelsey x