My inquisitive little human

I've been a little quiet because, in all honesty, I'm fucking knackered.
My brain probably looks like ones of my dads omlettes right now because Delilah has decided that she doesn't want to sleep. Like, ever. Crying has been her favourite past time for the past three days so as you can imagine, I've probably aged by at least 30 years.

So yesterday, in my tired desperation, I took the girls to the park with Crisps to watch the circus tent being put up.
It's times like this that I realise how different our minds work as we get older.
As I sat there wondering how I'm going to pay my phone bill, Olivia watched in awe as the tent slowly took shape. She truly appreciated everything around her in this moment and I couldn't help but love her a little more for being such an innocent, inquisitive little human.
Maybe this is why she asks so many random questions; because she notices more than I do. The world is so new to her still,  and she has so much to experience.
I forget this alot, so the other day when Olivia asked me to show her over the wall where the train tracks are I was genuinely surprised at how amazed she was.

She then made up a game, in which we had to guess what caravan the clown lives in. Naturally, all my guesses were wrong.
Olivia even took the opportunity to ask me one of her extra special questions that she likes to save for when my brain is extra fucking frazzled; "Mummy,  why is it called a circus?" "How old is the clown?" "where is the clowns mum?"

So, two hours later, Delilah finally had a nap, Olivia laid on the sofa picking her nose and watching peppa pig and I sat and googled about circuses.
(FYI, the word circus has something to do with the word circle, where all the acts are performed in the tent. You're welcome)

Kelsey x

My fuck it bucket list

I've seen alot of people talking about a fuckit list, so I thought I'd make my own!
My fuck it bucket list isn't very big. It's just a couple of things I found I worried a little too much about.

Breastfeeding-
I should probably start by saying that I'm not slating those who breastfeed in any way, and if you can breastfeed then you should!  There are so many benefits and I think you're a saint if you can stick to it!
I'm just saying, it's no big deal if you don't.
I tried, and failed, to breastfeed. I beat myself up about it for months, because I was so desperate to give my child what I thought was the only good food.
I look back now and realise it's really not a big deal, my daughter thrived off formula and has grown up an unfussy eater. So by the time I had my second I was confident in my decision that sometimes breast really isn't best.
Sometimes breast is extremely painful and stressful. Sometimes,  giving your child a bottle means you can share night feeds and not have to worry about your nipples feeling like gateways to fucking hell.
So don't beat yourself up about it if breastfeeding really isn't for you!

-Baby groups and baby massage-
With both babies I swore to myself I would socialise at the local babygroups and attend certain classes that would theoretically make me a better mum (bullshit).
I usually attend one or two then forget for the next six months.
Baby groups are brilliant if you're lonely, or bored, or want to learn a particular skill. But, if you decide to fuck them off, it's really no big deal.

-Timed feeds
The ever-so-delightful cluster feeding is how both of my girls decided to feed. For those of you that don't know, cluster feeding is drinking smaller amounts of milk closer together.  I'll admit, its a pain in the arse.
My girls were happy doing it this way and they were weaned easily, so it worked for us.
Don't let people tell you you're doing it wrong if your baby isn't feeding religiously every four hours! Where has this routine stemmed from? Its fucking bullshit. Do what you like. If your baby is feeding, that's all that matters.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is, don't let anyone make you think you're doing parenting wrong just because you're not doing it the same as them. Fuck em. That's what I say.

Kelsey x

I'm having a bad day!

Today is one of those days where I phone my husband for some much needed sympathy.
It is the kind of day when I realise that being a mum of two is fucking hard and that I would really like to go back to work.
Sometimes motherhood isn't all pretty pictures and learning to walk. Sometimes it's your child crying and demanding soup whilst the other is screaming for a bottle, and you're trying your hardest to do both whilst simultaneously trying to put your shopping away and fighting the urge to pee yourself. As you can probably guess, this is what happened to me today. I had a wild 10 minutes when I got home and I felt like hiding away.  To top it all, my house was an absolute state because,  despite me saying no, Olivia made a huge den in the kitchen.
After the madness ended I took myself into the kitchen to make tea and my own lunch, to then find out I'd only gone and bought a fucking microwave burger for my lunch and my bastard microwave doesn't even work (cue meltdown. Major meltdown over a microwave burger).
Then, just as I sit down, Delilah fills her nappy and Olivia announces that she's hungry again. It's days like this that exhaust me emotionally.
It's also days like today that I feel awful for not appreciating my girls enough, and for not having as much patience as I'd like.
I'm 99% sure that I'm not the only person who has these days (at least I hope). I usually have some kind of teary meltdown in the bedroom, and beat myself up about not being as supermum as everyone else seems to be.

One thing I am good at though is bouncing back. I can have a major meltdown, then pull myself together and tell myself to straighten the motherfucking crown and get on with it.
I remind myself I'm amazing, caring, persistent and, most importantly, I'm only human.
It's OK to cry. It's OK have days where you can't handle your kids. You're still a good mum.
You know that little guilty feeling you have after you shout really loud at your toddler or after you shut yourself in your room and cry? The guilty feeling when you think your child has probably watched too much telly and not done enough crafty things today? Or when you give them another biscuit instead of encouraging an apple?
That guilty feeling is the little sign that your a good mum, regardless of your crazy stress-out days. You care and love way more than you realise and way more than you could ever imagine possible.
Trust me sister, you're not alone.

Besides,  it goes without saying that all this shit is completely forgotten the day your child comes home from nursery with a family portrait, or when your child tells you she loves you. That's the best part. Kids speak from the heart and are passionate about everything. So even when Olivia is being a complete shit, I love her unconditionally because she is her own little person with her own little mind.
Kelsey x

Mum's night out

Its not often I have a night out. But when I do, I can't help but notice the difference between now and before I had kids.
Its funny how every aspect of your life changes, even the parts that dont actually involve your kids. I mean, its not like I drag the girls out with me on my rare night out.
A night in town will now require weeks of planning, saving and preparing myself for socialising with non-toddlers.
My weekend will usually happen like this:

-Firstly, I will spend the whole day saying to Aiden "are you sure you don't mind?!".
I don't know if this is because I'm waiting for a reason to not go out, but I'm not really sure how I'd react if Aiden did actually turn around and say "actually yes I do mind"

-My hair will take most of the day to prepare for and I will still end up looking like beetlejuice (Aidens words), despite my best efforts to copy a YouTube video on how to create 'natural waves in seconds'. Fucking bullshit.

-I will throw the all-famous female hissy fit over my outfit. I have nothing to wear.

-I always settle on a dress, after promising myself to try something different, and then realise I forgot to shave my legs. This results in an awkward, edge of the bath shaving session,and I will 100% end up with a shaving cut.

-Anyone that knows me knows that I'm shit at predrinking. I get over excited and drink everything in sight before I've left the house. This always results in me throwing up and swaying in the corner eating toast and trying to sober up.

-I'm a mother. That never really leaves me when I go out. I worry alot about whether my friends are all together, no ones strayed off and no one is being talked into smoking crack in an alleyway (joking. I think.)
I vaguely remember sitting on the dirty dancefloor trying to work out how to tie my friends shoe laces so that she doesnt fall over, despite that fact that the alcohol will probably get to her first and knock her on her arse. It's alot like looking after toddlers I suppose. Minus the alcohol.

Let the fun commence! 😉
Kelsey x

Women wars!

International women's day seems to have sparked up some serious bitching.  As women,  we seem to take any opportunity to show the world how awesome we are and how any woman living life different to us is not a real woman. Not cool guys.

I am a married mother of two, and I seem to have taken up the role as a full time house wife. I cook and clean and look after the girls most of the time whilst aiden goes to work. This fell into place when we had our second child and Aiden started pursuing his career as a paramedic.
I have been a working mother, a stay at home mother, a housewife, an independent woman and at times, just a pure lazy bitch. I can honestly tell you that during each of these ventures, my vagina did not once fade or disappear. I have always been just as much of a woman as every other female around me.
Our place is not in the kitchen,  and we were not born to be a housewife. We were born to boss the fuck out of life, regardless of how we chose to do it.
Informing the world of your decisions and saying why they make you better than other women does not make you admirable, desirable or in any way right. It makes you a twat. It makes you look desperate to convince everyone of your self worth.

Live and let live! Focus on your happiness and congratulate those who do the same.
These women wars are getting boring now and if I roll my eyes anymore I'm scared they're going to roll out of my fucking head!

Bitterness and spite are the two most unattractive traits in a woman.  Remember that.

Kelsey x

Mother's day expectations

In the build up to mothers day, I always picture this:
Waking up feeling refreshed on a Sunday morning, having my husband bring me breakfast in bed and a cup of tea. Olivia will then run in, climb on the bed a give me my present.  It's usually something mumsy like a mug or chocolate or some sort of poem in a frame.
I will then spend my day in my beautiful tidy house or going on a woods walk whilst everyone looks after me. I won't once lose my shit and the whole day is full of sprinkles and confetti.
This is not how it pans out at all.

Granted, there is a chance Aiden will bring me tea. But there is also a chance liv will come and dive on the bed, causing my tea to explode fucking everywhere. She will then give me a present, which she likes so much that she will insist she keeps it.
I will go downstairs and realise that hurricane bastard katrina must have come for a visit whilst I was sleeping. It can't have been Olivia that made the mess because when I ask her she always says no.
Then the day will go on like any normal day.

Please don't misinterpret this, I absolutely love that I get to celebrate mothers day and I'm grateful to have the opportunity. Growing up without a mum has meant that mothers day is usually pretty shit. Since having kids I've found that mothers day is a little better, it's just funny how I have such high expectations from a three year old who doesn't actually know what mothers day is. Maybe one day I will get a trip to the spa, but for now I'm happy with cold tea and a present that I'm allowed to own for a maximum of ten seconds before it's taken back.

Happy Mothers day!  😘

Straying from the truth

Don't ever try and fool your 3 year old and think you'll get away with it!
These little masterminds are like sherlock fucking holmes with an sd card inserted into their brain.
 Most of us tell little lies to our kids; the cake shop doesn't have any cakes left, peppa pig doesn't work today etc etc.
 If you're good enough at lying that your child actually believes you then I take my fucking hat off to you! Olivia is not easily tricked and I'm shit at lying, its as simple as that.
 Today is supposed to be ballet day, but Delilah had other ideas. Seeing as Delilah likes to be up before the crack of dawn these days, I'm knackered. Especially today.  So I decided today we would skip ballet, and I hadn't mentioned anything about ballet to Olivia as I thought it was best.
 I was so fucking wrong to think she wouldn't realise. Surely she doesn't know it's a Saturday?!  Who fucking spilled?!
Anyway, this is what happened :
I'm sorting through some washing and Olivia approaches me and says "mum am I going to ballet today?"
Me: *deer in headlights expression" "erm, not today babe"
Olivia: Yeah it's ballet today!
Here we go. So I just mumble something about no ballet today, it's cancelled,  plague outbreak, LETS DO SOME STICKING AND GLUEING!

We have also told Olivia that we can't go into McDonald's because it's too full up and there's no room, for her to then point and shout "yes there is! Look!  I can see a table"  😒 fuck.

I should probably be a responsible parent and just explain things to liv. But sometimes it's really not worth the argument. Sometimes she's none the wiser, sometimes it just makes the argument worse.  It's a risk I'm willing to take!
Don't sweat it, and most importantly; don't get fucking caught, for the love of christ, don't get caught!

Kelsey x

Motherhood unity, girl power and all that!

My blog was a spontaneous decision, made one night when my husband was out. My days are always filled with the kinds of scenes you would find in an Adam Sandler movie and this particular evening I just happened to ask myself why the fuck am I not writing this stuff down.
So it happened. I threw some ideas together and managed to find myself a small fan base of people who can either relate to my blogs or they just want to laugh at my expense.

When the readers started flooding in I panicked and asked myself what the fuck im doing. I felt under pressure to please everyone and I kept wondering if im 'doing it right'.
After an evening on Google I just thought "fuck it". My blog is not a service, and I can guarantee there will be times where I may go at least a week without posting anything.
I picture my blog (and Facebook page) as a safe place, or a snug. It's a place where I can go and talk without being judged. I can swear as much as I like without being told off (I can even say cunt, yay!) and I don't have to wonder if I'm talking too much, because I do that alot.
I see it alot like having a wine evening with moody bitches, tired mothers and realistic women.

We can moan as much as we like without being judged and without having to worry whether tiny ears are listening and taking notes.

I want mums like me to read my blogs and realise that they're not the only ones who have let themselves go, regularly lose their shit and are not very good at housework.
So, you know,  feel free to tell me I still look hot, my house isn't too horrific and I'm still a good mum!

Have you ever looked at that women in tescos, frog marching her screaming toddler around and judged her for having a misbehaved child? I have.
Have you ever thought that maybe she's just having a shitty day and her toddler decided to skip a nap?

Our kids will be moving out before we know it and I'd personally like to have some friends left to keep me company when this happens.
Remember my blog about Cheyenne?  Rest assured that your friends tantruming child will grow out of that stage and probably turn out like any normal human.
So instead of bitching about her, help a mother out today! Distract her tantruming child, make her tea and let her know you'd still bang her!

Motherhood unity, girl power and all that!
Kelsey x